Teaching kids not to bully – and how to react if you find out they are

We all think the best of our kids – but that doesn’t mean at some point, they won’t exhibit bullying behaviors. Why does this happen, how can you teach your kids not to bully and most importantly…how do you react if you find out they’ve bullied a classmate or friend? 

Prefer to listen? Check out our podcast on this topic here, or wherever you listen to podcasts.  

What is bullying, and when is it most common? 

To understand bullying, we must first define it. Bullying is made up of 3 things: 

1. Someone has to be hurt on purpose. 
2. The pattern of behavior is repeated over time.  
3. There’s an imbalance of power – think things like strength, age, popularity, etc. 

If there’s a conflict where the balance of power is equal and it’s not repeated, this is not generally bullying, but rather an unkind moment which we’re all prone to from time to time.  

While it can begin as early as preschool, bullying becomes most prevalent in the middle school years and can last through high school (though we do see slightly lower rates in high schools). A lot of bullying in recent years has been tied to smartphones. The average age of getting a smartphone in the U.S. is 10, which has increased cyberbulling rates in younger populations. 

Why do kids bully? 

There is no single reason kids bully, but it is a learned behavior. Often kids who bully have been bullied, or have seen it happen. It’s often a modeled behavior, whether seen at home or other situations.  

All kids want to fit in and are trying to find their identities at young ages. If they’re struggling to find their peer group, it can lead to anxiety and depression, which can be factors for bullying.  

Differences are a big reason kids can have a hard time fitting in with their peers. So, if a child has a different race, gender identity, disability or something that makes them “different” from their classmates, these factors can all lead to bullying.   

What can I do to make sure my child is not a bully? 

Again, bullying is a learned behavior – which means it can be unlearned. It all starts with strengthening empathy and teaching your child how their actions may affect those around them. For example, if your child struggles to manage their emotions, coping strategies like deep breathing can help them learn to regulate their feelings before acting out. 

You should also keep the lines of communication open, so your child feels comfortable talking to you if they see bullying happen. You can teach them about de-escalating situations if they can do so safely or discuss with them how to report any concerns to their teachers or counselors. 

I found out my child is bullying a friend or classmate…so what now? 

There are a few steps you can take: 

1. Take a step back. There can be a lot of emotions in these hard moments. You don’t want to react if the situation is a bit heated. 
2. Think about who your child is. You know your child best. Is this a cry for help? Is your child going through something difficult? Try to determine the cause of this behavior. 
3. Talk to your child. In a calm, accepting manner, get their take on the situation and what was really happening. Make them feel heard and safe talking to you. 
4. Hold your child accountable. Actions do have consequences, and it’s important your child knows bullying is not tolerated. 
5. Tell your child this does not define them. Your child has a lot of positive qualities. They are allowed to make mistakes and move on from them. Help them figure out who they want to be going forward, and how they want to make people feel.  

All in all, talking to your kids will continue to build a positive relationship, which will in turn develop positive relationships in other areas of their life.  

No child is born a bully. We hope these tips help you see any signs of bullying and give you ideas of how to react if it happens in your home. 

To learn more about Children’s Mercy Kansas City’s anti-bullying initiatives, check out the virtual assembly or visit redcardkc.org.